Almost Missed It

I had a lot to do.
Lists of expectations yet undone
14 apps open on my phone
and Siri was remarkably slow in connecting me –
I can’t remember, was it to the weather or the podcast list or my top 25 on Spotify

Masked and distanced
walking with intention to the track
so that I could get my 10,000 steps in right before my clear-seeing meditation
and the in box with 3,867 messages, 953 marked “important”

Head down and embroiled in “continuous partial attention” *
I had this nagging feeling like I do when I realize I sent the wrong Zoom link
As if the cataclysmic reality of my own human-ness was about to be uncovered
and suddenly my mask will be involuntarily removed,
exposing my inadequacy as in Charlie Brown with Lucy and the football.
“Uh-oh” here we go again –

Piercing bright light distracted me from the screen
or, perhaps it bounced off my screen into my eyes and pierced my soul.
I looked up – straight up – and the brightness pierced my inner void.
For a moment. I was ascending the mountain of “not enough”
into the brilliance of silent serenity.

Finally…in an instant the coagulation of
Acceptance of what I cannot change
the Courage to change what I can
and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Silence and Union and Stillness and Peace.
No more questions. No more doubts.
No more balance sheets or equations with variables on both sides.
Just being. Presence.  Wholeness

This is it.  I’m here.
I’ve arrived.  I’ll take a picture so I never will forget.
I’ll capture it so I can tell everyone.
I’ve been waiting my whole life for this shot.

But “blinded by the light” I could not see
my brain took over and the amygdala was in control
with the familiar response “Freeze-Fight-Flight”
and no rational explanation for what cracked me open
from the inside out

I tried a variety of search engines
with no explanation
except the simple message:
“This is my beloved Son. Listen”

I almost missed it

Happy Second Week of Lent.
Keep your eyes open and your heart wide

See you on the way,

Bridget

p.s.
this is loosely grounded in the Second Sunday of Lent Gospel, Mark 9:2-10
“continuous partial attention” from Real Change by Sharon Salberg, 2020
“Blinded by the Light” – the “Boss” – Bruce Springsteen